dclawed2 (dclawed2) wrote,

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More On Nathan

Nathan is worth dying for. I would give my life for him in an instant. At the same time, he is worth living for. Of all my friends and family - including my own Mother, who was the thought that stopped me from committing suicide a few years back - Nathan is the person I live for the most. I don't mean that we talk all the time - that bit of me goes for Destiny and Larissa. But Nathan is the one who I find worth surviving for, more than anyone else.

I will admit right now, even though it may be a trigger for him, that I have struggles with food. I think my thighs are too fat. I'm worried about losing my abs. I'm always torn between wanting to go back to my curvy body from before Colin, and staying at this light weight that I am at now. But I would never become anorexic, no matter how self-destructive I am by nature. I would never starve myself or over-exercise. I would never put him through that again. Every day, even when I'm feeling like Hell and I don't want to eat, I force myself to do it anyway, at least a little, because I don't want that part of his life to repeat. I don't want to let him down like that. I want him to smile, and laugh a lot. I want him to enjoy my presence. I want him to be proud of me. I want to be someone that is worth his pride. I want him to feel glowy and happy around me, like I feel around him.

Maybe I keep writing things about him because I don't feel like what I have written about him is eloquent enough, compared to the Testimonials I am writing for the others. Or maybe I just feel like I could never say or write enough.
Tags: a girl speaking her truth, amandatory analysis, awesome and happy things, compassion, connection, food, friends, friendspiration, hope that i need, i look within, i love to write letters!!, raw and vulnerable, testimonials, the guys, things to be thankful for, you, you will find beauty
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