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Secret Circle has been canceled.

Desperate Housewives is over.

My Dad just walked in and told me "This is not the droid you were looking for" with the appropriate hand gesture.
 
 
 
 
 
 

You know you have PTSD when hours after waking up you’re still wondering if it was a dream or reality.

You knew it wouldn’t be easy but you never could imagine it would be this hard…

Aside from the fireworks associated with the 4th of July, April Fools day is your second least favorite holiday so you just lock yourself up in a room with no contact to the outside world so someone’s stupid prank doesn’t cause you to have a panic attack.

"The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind." You know you have PTSD when you long for the day when this is possible.

…you keep reading and listening to so many people telling you what you should care about and how much of a monster you are for not caring, but you just don’t have enough energy to feel much of anything.

Your entire life can be interrupted by a brief glance at something random that takes you back to that moment.

It’s three days later and you STILL can’t remember that perfect idea you had for a tumblr post..

You actually are excited for therapy just so you can have someone to listen and not say “get over it”

You wake up and have the BEST idea for a tumblr post and by the time you make it to the computer, you forgot what the hell it was…

You set the parental control on  your TV to “E” so you don’t accidently see something that will throw you into a panic attack or flashback.

You may forget your name, your birthday, what you’re supposed to do today, or what you had for breakfast - but you will NEVER forget the anniversary of your trauma.

It’s Monday and you thought yesterday was Monday and realize that a whole week went by and you didn’t remember a damn thing.

You continuously check your driver’s license to see how old you are.

Your pets are the only things you’re emotionally connected to.

You can’t decide which you would rather endure- nightmares or no sleep at all.

All your stories begin with “I may have told you this already but…”

You see an insignificant object (ash tray, etc.), hear a certain song, or drive by a specific place and you have an intense flashback and people look at you like YOU are the crazy one who brought this all on yourself.

Someone threatens you because you’ve been staring at them for 10 minutes - but really, you were just dissociating.

You avoid TV shows based on whether they may trigger you or not.

You have had more fucking conversations in your head then with real people.

You refer to flashbacks as “daymares”

Every dream has some sort of struggle, violence, or death…. as if life wasn’t enough.

 
 
 
 
 
 
  1. Give Me Five Reasons Why You’d Think People Would Admire You: I am strong; I am honest; I am perceptive; I am kind-hearted and I’m a decent writer.  
  1. What Is The Best Compliment You’ve Ever Received (That You Can Remember?): From an email: “You were, or, are, the single greatest pillar of strength that I have ever known. So much happens/happened to you, and you shrug it off instead of moping and changing completely like any other teenager, you were not entirely crushed … You know that streak of independance you have? Well, while I seem to be dependant on people to FIX me, you are more content to go out and fix yourself. That is a quality I will always admire. You aren't afraid to take steps out into the dark, because you know you're getting somewhere. So few people in this world have the willpower and guts to do that. You are someone who ANYONE could talk to, no matter what mood they are in … You are extremely charismatic, and it's sometimes a little amusing if you don't realise it.”
  1. People May Call You Many Things, But They Are Not Going To Call You…: Average. (Unfortunately.)
  1. Give Me Ten Personality Traits You Like About Yourself: I am passionate; I am sweet; I love challenges; I am steadfast and loyal, a friend until the end of time; I have no patience for that “I need you more than you will ever know” crap – I’ll just write you a letter or tell you; I am good with kids; I am sensitive; I am kind; I believe in people and I am funny.
  1. What Makes You Feel Most Connected To Yourself?: Being outside at night; connecting with others; standing up for my beliefs and other people; being with my cat; certain books, movies, scents and songs; going for long walks; making up characters for stories;
  1. What Are Five Things That Make You An Individual Unlike Anyone Else?: All of my quirks!; my strange, unusual, strong connections to specific people who have entered my life over the years; my ability to sense the emotions of others without even looking at them (especially those specific people mentioned previously); my point of view and my courage.
  1. What Do You Think Would Make The World A Better Place?: More understanding and compassion.
  1. What Is Something That Inspires You?: A stormy sky.
  1. Name One Of Your Heroines Or Heroes And Tell Me At Least Five Things You Have In Common With Them (Or More!): Rapunzel from Tangled! We are both: talkative, romantic, sarcastic, and very creative Manic Pixie Dream Girls. We are insightful and idealistic and optimistic. We are both very adventurous and curious and kind-hearted. We are both sweet, though a bit sheltered and naïve. We both believe in redeeming others, when we can. We are willing to risk our lives and happiness for the ones whom we love, don’t make it a habit to break a promise, and crave freedom and possibilities. We both feel guilt rather easily. We both certainly have a lot of energy and a strong focus on our dreams!
  1. What Kind Of Clothes Do You Feel Most Attractive In?: Red shirts with black pants; my swift hair combs; scoop-neck shirts; short dresses with thick waist belts; gold hoop earrings; my red rose earrings; pale blue flare jeans with no rips; thigh high socks; Princess sleeves and my boots :) (Obviously, not all at the same time! XD)
  1. What Is Your Most Beautiful Dream Or Goal?: I have a lot, but I guess the most, most, MOST beautiful one would be to fearlessly unite the light and darkness in my heart, and help others to do the same.
  1. List Five Things You Are Good At: Making up melodies; giving advice; helping people gain a good perspective / catharsis using creative, expressive and upbeat means; finding something beautiful and powerful in something simple and mowing the lawn. (One of these things is not like the others :P)
  1. You Feel Drawn To People Who Are…: Emotionally stable, down-to-earth, trustworthy and confident! (The opposite of myself, save for the trustworthy and – generally - emotionally stable.)
  1. What Times Do You Feel Like You Are Beautiful Or Handsome? (You Can Give More Than One Answer Here!): When I am looked up to by those who I have taken under my wing; when I’m flirting and the guy is flirting back; when I’ve just discovered something new about myself, or developed a new value; when I’m by a fire; when I feel confident; when I feel inspired; when I’m making people smile.
  1. What Are The Truest Good Qualities Of Your Heart; The Best Parts Of Your Inner Nature?: I am unafraid of the bigness of my own personality, or the darkness in myself or others (which I seek to understand, accept, tame, unite and claim as nothing more than a part of myself / them.) I am passionate in a way that some are not (admittedly, this is overwhelming). My compassion extends even to those who have wronged me. I seek and discover beauty and “the bright side” where some would not. I try to understand people instead of condemning them. I can connect to others in a very unique, intuitive way. I have no patience for walls and barriers in relationships. I want to protect anything or anyone that is innocent, pure or vulnerable. I find all negative emotions to be “sad”, and strive to help others conquer them / protect others from them. I like to improve myself as much as I can, though I can be stubborn about it.
  1. How Do You Imagine Your Soul Being Like?: There is a bouncy, springy, joyful, anxious, sickeningly sweet, bright orange and yellow daisy thing that I recognize as my soul.
  1. What Is One Conviction You Will Never Give Up On?: I’m not going to change myself just to impress a boy!
  1. What Is Something You’d Like To Try?: Cherry green tea!
  1. What Is It That Gives You The Most Hope?: Whenever my friends tell me that they love me and why they do. It makes me feel like I am worth something.
  1. Use Ten Affirmative Keywords To Describe Yourself: Soul-searching; excitable; spiritual; fiery; insightful; outspoken; inspirational; playful; imaginative and beauty-seeking.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Today at around 9:30 AM, we put down Little One.

She's been really bad lately. Multiple times, my Mom or I have found her in the middle of the kitchen, hardly able to stand, let alone walk. She stopped eating, though I figured out a way to help her to drink: put ice cubes in her bowl. (Can't say that all my family isn't quirky, can I?) She was so, so thin... we called the Vet a few days ago. We all prepared in our own way, but I still cried. I wore my "thinking cap" - the blue "Kewl" hat that I used to (and sometimes still do) bunch my hair up under while I was writing a story at the desk with Little One beside me.

I've been telling Ashley for days that she was supposed to let Little One alone for once, as it was her last few days on Earth, and Ashley didn't terrorize Lit at all. They were even in the same room a few times and everything was fine.

Mom wanted me to sing to Lit as she was dying, and it was really hard. I couldn't finish the song past the lump in my throat. But Lit responded like she always does when I sing just for her: head up, looking at me, purring.

This is the song that I tried to sing. I got to "Bright Blue Endless Sky" before breaking down.



Little One, WE LOVE YOU.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I never want to go to sleep again.

(On the bright side, it's nice to realize that a lot of the bullying you endured growing up was because you essentially were smarter than said bullies and they felt humiliated by it and, because of that, lashed out at you. That's always a boost for your ego.)
 
 
 
 
 
 
Today, I played a lot with our cat, Little One. She's getting skinnier and skinnier and needs some love and affection. I could feel the ridges of her spine while petting her, it was so sad... now I'm trying to distract myself, but I keep going back to her in my head. I don't want the family cat to die :(


QuizzesCollapse )
So, that was a great quiz-binge, but I think Secret Circle will be a better option....
 
 
 
 
 
 
It's pretty rare that someone says something nice about me - like, a long letter, or a speech or something. I'M the giver; I'M the Testimonial-and-letter-writer. That is my role. It's not that I'm upset about it - I like having this role. It's important to me to be the supporter, the advice-giver, what have you. But here are the two Testimonials I have gotten over the years; the ones that were written, anyway. One was even from tonight!

The first is from Nathan, back in 2007, when he was known as Kelsey (I cut out the praise on my body image because most of those insecurities have been cleared up by now!):


From NathanCollapse )



This second, and final one is from Damian, tonight. I'll just assume he wouldn't mind me posting this in my Livejournal! I should really print these both out and put them in a scrapbook or my diary!


Damian'sCollapse )

Interesting how they both come from men, in the end. I can distrust the gender of men all I want, but they never fail to surprise me.

 
 
 
 
 
 
No matter what I do, I can't stop hurting. I distract myself, I smile. I write testimonials. I study. I read. I drink. I cut. I make lists. I give advice. I try to get closer to my friends, because they are all I will ever have now. I write, because I started writing again because of you, and I want to honor that. But none of that brings you back, none of that brings you closer to me. None of that helps you to get to know the real me.

I miss you. I will always regret this.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Nathan is worth dying for. I would give my life for him in an instant. At the same time, he is worth living for. Of all my friends and family - including my own Mother, who was the thought that stopped me from committing suicide a few years back - Nathan is the person I live for the most. I don't mean that we talk all the time - that bit of me goes for Destiny and Larissa. But Nathan is the one who I find worth surviving for, more than anyone else.

I will admit right now, even though it may be a trigger for him, that I have struggles with food. I think my thighs are too fat. I'm worried about losing my abs. I'm always torn between wanting to go back to my curvy body from before Colin, and staying at this light weight that I am at now. But I would never become anorexic, no matter how self-destructive I am by nature. I would never starve myself or over-exercise. I would never put him through that again. Every day, even when I'm feeling like Hell and I don't want to eat, I force myself to do it anyway, at least a little, because I don't want that part of his life to repeat. I don't want to let him down like that. I want him to smile, and laugh a lot. I want him to enjoy my presence. I want him to be proud of me. I want to be someone that is worth his pride. I want him to feel glowy and happy around me, like I feel around him.

Maybe I keep writing things about him because I don't feel like what I have written about him is eloquent enough, compared to the Testimonials I am writing for the others. Or maybe I just feel like I could never say or write enough.
 
 
 
 
 
 
...The Most Ama...
Smell: Strawberries.
Touch: Denim.
Sound: My voice.
Taste: Ice tea.
Sight: A forest in the middle of a storm.
Colour: Orange.
Animal: Woodchucks.
Flower: Yellow daisies.
Song: "I'm Gonna Fly" by Sydney Forest or "Beauty" by Shaye.
Element: Air.
Pattern: Polka dots.
Relationship Style: Quirky, unique, unlikely, life-changing and deep.
Dream: A big house full of borders; uniting the dark & light within myself, & help others do the same; identifying with people from all walks of life; make sure that no one is ever alone again.
Passion: "The Little Things" in life; understanding & new ideas.
Wisdom: Do not be afraid of your darkness or the darkness of others - when you confront it, you're getting somewhere.
Strength: Identifying with others.
Contradiction: Passionate yet reserved.
Comfort: Drinking a french vanilla cappucino!
Natural Thing: Bare, young tree branches.
Human Creation: Stories.
Way To Accept Someone: Ask them questions & tell them my dreams.
Expression of Love: Hugs and love letters (testimonials.)
Humour: Whimsical, sarcastic and quick-witted.
Perspective: "On the bright side..."; Relationships are frikkin' weird. For each one, there is a new set of rules, new ways to see & be seen. No two are alike - no person is the same from oen relationship to the next. They create, move, destroy & rebuild you. Life is a jumble of these imperfect loves, hates & indifferences. Love can be pre-existing, having no beginning even if it ends, or it can be built from scratch, or it can rise from hate. The meaning of life is these relationships.; "Only I can fix this. No one else is going to help me."; "And if I can make just one life better, bring a smile to your face when you're under the weather, then I'm feelin' like I've finally found my home, plant the seeds and watch them grow!"